dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
