I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
