Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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