I accidentally burped into my bong.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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