I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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