I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
