I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
