he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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