you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
