Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
where are my eyebrows?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
