Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
