i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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