Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
