I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
