I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
