I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I bet he comes in French.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
