She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
