I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
