I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
