Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes