her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
