There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
