Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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