So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
