that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i'm home, then i'll come over
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.