just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
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i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
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Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos