I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.