if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
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Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
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I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.