Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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