I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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