Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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