Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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