You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
