Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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