Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
