I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
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I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
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GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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