Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
