My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
