I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
