I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
