He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
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then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
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The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
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