The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Im at strip club and am horny
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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