New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
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They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
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pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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