Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
