"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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