I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So much rum. So many feels.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
