Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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