Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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