I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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