3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
