you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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