I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
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