She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
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Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
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He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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