My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
