A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize