glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
