4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
