I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
