So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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