Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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